


with my calamitous love (and insurmountable grief)

by jenniferxprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Infertility, Sadness, family fic, its gay, moms!Jemily, post-Doyle, what do I tag this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26153311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferxprentiss/pseuds/jenniferxprentiss
Summary: “I just want to be a real mom.” Her voice was broken, lips quivering as she looked down at her hands, at her bitten down fingernails and chipped nail polish, a testament to the mental turmoil she had been experiencing.————Emily deals with her grief post-Doyle as they embark on expanding their little family.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 99





	with my calamitous love (and insurmountable grief)

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi 
> 
> this is a very personal fic to me, and though I will never know that it’s like to be stabbed in the abdomen with the leg of a table and have my internal organs ripped to shreds, I feel this fic very personally in other ways, and if this fic brightens anyone’s day or is as cathartic to them as it was to me, then I’ve done my job w this one 
> 
> please do not read if you’re at all triggered by infertility, as this fic centers around it as a main theme. just lookin out for y’all 
> 
> as always, reviews are appreciated 
> 
> xo

The crushing weight of guilt mixed with sadness hit her like a ton of bricks, watching JJ ghost her hand over the subtle swell of her stomach, still mostly concealed by her flowy tops but prominent enough for Emily to know it was there. A sadness that she would never be enough — never have this experience that JJ did, thanks to Doyle — and guilt over feeling so heartbroken. 

JJ looked over in her direction, their eyes locking and Emily noticed the worried furrow of her brow, the way she silently asked if she was alright. Emily nodded, forcing the corners of her lips to turn upwards in a plasticine, practiced smile. 

It wasn’t that there was a lack of joy, because god, she was the happiest woman in the world to watch her wife happy and pregnant, her face positively glowing — it was that she felt a sense of failure. Failure to grow their family, unable to become a true mother. 

She watched JJ from across their backyard, leaning back in a chair and half engaged in a conversation with Garcia, eyes darting between her and Henry. 

That little boy was the light of Emily’s life, and she knew he was JJ and Will’s too. She felt the familiar sting of tears in her throat watching him play, climbing to the top of the slide and shouting triumphantly and racing down. He spotted her across the yard, ran to her and nearly knocked her down with his force, arms wrapping around her middle in a tight hug. 

“Mom!” He was breathless, face reddened from the heat and exertion. “Did you see me? I climbed all the way to the top!” 

She swallowed back her tears, choked back the emotion that would make her voice waver and uneasy and focused all of her love, all of her energy on him. Her fingers brushed through his sweat dampened hair — blonde like JJ’s, but curly on the ends like Will’s — and smiled down at him, gaze tender and full of adoration for this tiny little person that held so much space in her heart. 

“Oh, did I ever! You were so fast, Hen, like lightning. I wish I were as fast as you, really.” 

There was a silence between them, Emily unable to look up from the little boy’s face, counted his freckles in the rapidly setting summer sun and felt herself getting choked up again. He hugged her so tightly, so hard, and she couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be. 

Her hand came down to the space between his tiny shoulder blades, pressed him into her for just a second longer before she released him, tiny body squirming against hers and anxious to get back to the slide and swings. Tears pricked at her eyes again and she dabbed at her face, hoping desperately that no one would notice her moment of weakness. 

Out of the corner of her eyes, Emily noticed JJ stand and cross the patio, concern etched deep into her features. She tapped Rossi on the shoulder, whispered something in his ear, and Emily had to stifle a sob as she slipped through their back door, guilt settling on her shoulders once again. She couldn’t stop being a distraction for one simple dinner with the team. 

Inside their home, the tears began to flow freely, and Emily tried to choke back her sobs. She couldn’t let JJ see her like this — couldn’t explain why she felt this way. She was standing at the bottom of their staircase when the door shut again, quieter than when she had passed through it, heard JJ’s gentle footsteps approaching. 

“Emily…” 

The brokenness in JJ’s voice nearly broke Emily, choking out a sob into her hand, clapped over her mouth. They knew no one would dare come in the house right now, wouldn’t intrude on their privacy, but Emily still felt too exposed in their foyer. 

She extended her arm, took JJ’s hand in her own and squeezed gently — a reassurance of sorts — before guiding her up the stairs to their bedroom. Emily closed and locked the door, let out a small chuckle at the fact that she locked the door when anyone could hear them if they wanted to. 

When she turned, she felt the corners of her lips twitch upwards in a half smile at the way JJ was already reclined against the headboard waiting for her. 

Emily allowed herself to curl up into JJ, head resting on her shoulder and hands entwined as she let herself cry, shoulders shaking softly. JJ’s free hand ran up and down Emily’s back, rubbing soothing circles and whispering in her ear. 

“Em… shh, love, you’ll be alright.” JJ’s heart was breaking at Emily’s sadness, the way she curled in on herself when she sobbed. “Everything is going to be alright.” 

Her tears subsided at JJ’s calming tone, the way she was passing her thumb over the back of her hand and rubbing circles into her back. She waited until she felt like she could speak without crying again, thanking god for JJ’s patience and love, picked her head up and wiped at her face with the back of her hand before looking at her wife pointedly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“What the fuck, Em?” 

“I’m sorry I distracted you from dinner, that I couldn’t hold it in until everyone left.” 

“No.” JJ’s voice was firm, authoritative. She pushed the overgrown bangs out of Emily’s eyes, in that moment realizing how small and fragile she felt. “No, you’re going to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me, baby, and I just want to help you.” 

Emily let out a sigh, hand coming up to scrub at her face with her sleeve before looking back up. She wasn’t quite able to meet JJ’s eyes, instead staring across the room, her eyes settling upon the pictures hung in a gallery on their wall. 

There were pictures from their wedding — of them and Henry smiling brightly, the tiny boy squished between them with so much love on their faces — among pictures from their regular family photo sessions. Her lips twitched up in a small smirk at the picture from Henry’s birthday, the entire team crowded around the boy as he blew out his candles. 

She knew there would never be judgement from JJ — knew that she could never be angry with her for a feeling that was purely biological — but still there was a flutter of anxiety in her stomach, the fear of rejection wound so deep in her personality that it almost made her choke up again. 

“I’m so happy, Jayje, I promise I am…”

It was a half truth and they both knew it, knew by the sunken sadness in Emily’s eyes that there was more to her statement. JJ waited patiently, hand rubbing gentle circles on the small of Emily’s back, her gaze soft as she watched her wife — watched the way she chewed at her bottom lip, teeth worrying at the already peeling skin. She brushed her fingers across Emily’s lips in a gentle reminder, smiled softly when she released her lip and smiled sheepishly back at JJ. 

“But?” 

“But I’m mourning.” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “I didn’t ever want to be a mom, not a real mom, until I couldn’t — until I had that option ripped away from me.” 

In truth, Emily never wanted children — couldn’t bear the thought of screwing them up the way her mother had done her — but there was a glimmer of hope when she started dating JJ, when she felt herself slipping so comfortably into the role of step mom. 

She would think about it sometimes, late at night with Henry dozing in her lap in the rocking chair, always taking the night wake ups after the little boy no longer woke up to feed. Emily would think about Henry with a little sibling, never able to clearly picture the gender, but always seeing a little raven haired child running alongside him. 

And then it happened — Doyle happened, and it nearly broke her. 

She remembered waking up in the hospital, JJ and Hotch sitting in the corner of the room, their faces crumpling with a mixture of relief and fear — remembered how the doctor told her solemnly that Doyle had destroyed her reproductive system, that she had a full hysterectomy and children wouldn’t be an option for her. 

At the time, the only thing that mattered was that she was there, alive and with her family — their little boy snuggled against her side in the hospital bed when she could sit up without pain, a proud beam on JJ’s face from where she sat. 

But now? Now that they were growing their family by one heart and two little feet? Emily felt such a myriad of emotions that she could barely sort through it. 

Anger, at Doyle mostly, but also at herself for not being able to defend herself — for being unable to carry a child of her own. The jealousy and guilt ripped at her heart, though, and she didn’t know how she could feel so much joy and so much sadness at the same time. 

“I just want to be a real mom.” Her voice was broken, lips quivering as she looked down at her hands, at her bitten down fingernails and chipped nail polish, a testament to the mental turmoil she had been experiencing. 

“Emily… what do you think you are?” JJ cupped Emily’s cheek with her hand, thumb stroking over the tear tracks gently. “You’re Henry’s mother. You’re this baby’s mother in every sense of the word. He or she is just as much yours as Henry is, you know this.” 

The logical part of Emily's brain knew that JJ was right, that she was just as much of a mother as she was, but the irrational, anxiety riddled part of her told her that she wasn’t enough — that Henry already had parents and she was merely an intruder in their situation. 

“But you and Will are Henry’s parents… you’re Henry’s mom.” 

“No, we’re Henry’s moms. He can have two moms, you know? He can have a bit of a dysfunctional family. He calls Rossi grandpa. He calls your mom grandma.” JJ ran her hand through Emily’s hair gently, her fingers threading through her dark hair. “You’re a real mom, honey.” 

“I’ll never have that… not like you do.” 

She was right, and JJ couldn’t argue it — she knew that Emily harbored a lot of self resentment for her choices in the past, knew that Emily often regretted her decisions. Her fingers pulled through tangled raven locks, gathering Emily’s hair into a ponytail in the way she knew helped comfort her. 

“I don’t know how to make that better, and I wish I could.” 

JJ’s words were sincere, but Emily could see the fire at the back of her gaze. The way her nostrils flared a touch and her breathing quickened, chest rising and falling rapidly — knew that JJ could never be upset with her, that she was upset with the situation. 

She had so much anger for Doyle, filed in a slot at the back of her mind, couldn’t let herself think about it too much or else the hot, angry tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and threatened to spill over. It wasn’t just anger, but a deep sadness she felt every time she ghosted her fingertips across the prominent scars on Emily’s abdomen, the brand on her chest. 

He had taken so much from them — so much from Emily — and JJ couldn’t think about him without feeling a ball of resentment in her stomach. With therapy, she had learned to replace the resentment with pride — that her wife could fight and survive and most importantly, overcome — but sometimes it was hard to push past the feelings of anger and resentment. 

“I just want to feel it.” Emily sniffled, her bottom lip ensnared between her teeth again. “I know it sucks and everyone hates it but I just want to know. About the kicks and the hiccups and the way a baby feels. And I know I can feel them through you in just a few weeks but fuck, it isn’t the same.” 

JJ was silent for a moment, fingertips still massaging at Emily’s scalp. She had to collect her thoughts, to swallow past the sob she threatened to let out — knew that it wasn’t the time, that this was about Emily and her emotions, not JJ’s anger with Doyle and what he took from her wife. 

“Emily…” She let out a puff of air, gathered Emily into her arms the best she could and dropped a tender kiss to the mess of dark hair on her chest. “You know that I’ll never judge you, right? That I’ll never be angry that you’re upset and hurting. Your sadness doesn’t detract from your joy for this baby, for our child.” 

JJ smiled when she felt Emily’s hand rest gently on her abdomen, moved her own hand to rest on Emily’s and trace over her fingers. She felt the soft curve of Emily’s lips against her collarbone, pressing gentle kisses into the soft skin she found there. 

“I can’t say I know how you feel, just like you don’t know what I’m experiencing… but I promise I’ll meet you in the middle. If you need to be angry and sad, I’ll sit with you in that anger and sadness until you’re ready to move past it. For better or for worse, remember?” 

Emily nodded into JJ’s chest, her face still buried against her skin. She inhaled deeply, dizzy from the mixture of the smell of outside mixed with JJ’s favorite perfume — one they had bought together in Paris when they went on their first vacation without Henry. It was floral, and Emily insisted that it smelled the best on JJ and she should be the only one to wear it. 

Ever since their trip she had imported the tiny bottles for JJ, always wrapping their boxes in rose gold paper. JJ’s little hitched breath full of excitement at the small box always made Emily giddy, usually giving it to her after they returned from a tough case, or more frequently, when she began to notice JJ’s gentle pout as her bottle started to run empty. 

They settled entwined for just a moment longer, Emily curled into JJ’s chest as she reclined against the headboard, her hand resting between Emily’s shoulder blades. She let her head fall, face buried in dark hair as she waited for Emily to feel secure enough to break apart, knew that she wouldn’t want to talk much more — not now. 

There was a girlish scream outside their window, followed by maniacal laughter from Henry, both women chuckling softly at the thought of their son tormenting his Uncle Spencer. Knowing him, he was probably chasing Reid with the water hose, laughing hysterically. 

Emily sat up, untangling herself from JJ’s embrace, her lips curving upward in a small, shy smile. Her face was puffy, eyes red rimmed from the tears that seemed flow forever, sadness pent up over weeks and months — from the time they left the hospital after her attack, really. 

“Thank you.” Her voice was barely a whisper, looking into JJ’s eyes with a steely gaze of her own. 

“Thank you for talking to me about how you’re feeling.” 

JJ was sincere in her sentiment, dabbing a tissue across Emily’s face gently. She was so proud of her for speaking up — for speaking without fear of judgement — because even though she knew that JJ would never be upset with her, it was a challenge to be open, to speak her mind. It wasn’t a luxury she ever had before she joined the team, before she found a family of her own. 

The soft thud of little feet running through their downstairs living room made them break apart once more, JJ letting out a soft, rumbly chuckle when they heard Derek call after Henry. 

“Do you think I have time to clean myself up?” 

“Yeah, I’ll tell everyone your stomach was hurting… must have been the burgers or something.” 

The corners of Emily’s lips turned up in a smirk, letting out a breath of a laugh. She leaned forward, hands coming up to cup JJ’s cheeks and pulling her close, pressing their lips together tenderly. She smiled into their kiss, lips barely brushing before she pulled back, genuine smile on her lips. 

“Must have been the burgers, hm?” 

“Or something.” JJ stood, making her way to the bedroom door, hand lingering on the doorknob as she looked at Emily — watched the way her eyes twinkled when she smiled. 

“I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“We’ll be waiting.”

Emily watched as JJ shut the door behind her, giving her a bit of privacy while she freshened herself up. She felt her lips tugging up in a goofy, girlish smile at the way JJ said ‘we’ — knew that she didn’t mean the team, she meant their little family. 

Her wife, their son, their little baby growing inside of her. The family that Emily never thought she’d have, but couldn’t imagine her life without.


End file.
